Samuel Judah Bushlack – Broken Beautifully 12/2/18
If we haven’t met, my name is Johnse. I’m Samuel’s dad. On behalf of Lauren and I and Micah and Jacey. Thank you so much for coming today. Your presence today and your prayers for our peace over the past months mean a great deal to Lauren and I and our kids. Thank you for interceding for us when we are tired and worn.
I’ll do my best to put into words some of our journey over the last 6 months or so as a family and share a combination of Samuel’s story and our testimony.
Samuel’s condition was Craniospinal Rachischisis Totalis, a severe neural tube defect. Essentially it meant the top and back of his skull as well as his entire spine didn’t fuse together properly around the 6 week time frame. Doctors told us there was 0% chance that he would live outside the womb, and that it was highly likely we wouldn’t carry him to full term. The severity of Sam’s condition was so rare that the U of Iowa hospital told us that there were only a few known cases, and there was no precedent for mothers carrying a child past 23 weeks. Their recommendation was to “terminate” the pregnancy at 19 weeks. This was not an option for us, and we wouldn’t give up on him. No matter how hard it was going to be, this was Lauren’s opportunity to be his mommy and for us to be a family. Lauren could feel him moving much earlier than our other pregnancies. I could even feel him moving at 19 weeks.
Upon receiving the diagnosis on Aug 15, we thought our time with Sam would be short. But we wanted to be careful not to neglect our other kids in the midst of our grief. So two days later we celebrated Micah’s 9th birthday at the State Fair. Sam liked the funnel cakes.
Our first prayer was for God to have mercy and take him quickly so he didn’t have to suffer, and so that, honestly, we could get on with our lives and for Lauren not to have to suffer any more than she had to. How selfish and short sighted that prayer was. I am so glad that God didn’t answer that prayer. Instead, he answered it with the mercy of extra time. More time to wait on the Lord. God changed our prayer life. We never imagined that he would live in the womb as long as he did. That was a gift. It allowed us to process our situation and prepare our hearts and discuss things openly with the kids. We felt an urgency to decide on our son’s name so that we could speak to him personally, and refer to him by name to other people. When you give something a name, it takes on a new meaning and identity…Sam is a person and his identity is in Jesus. Samuel is a child of God, created in His image.
Psalm 139:13-16 guided our thought process, and comforted us when our natural minds consider Samuel to be broken and incomplete. It says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” This is true for Sam, and for each one of us. We knew God ordained Samuel’s life….every one of his days, and it’s not our place to interfere with God’s plan. We knew we were to steward Samuel’s life, and care for the children God entrusts to us. Psalm 127:3 says that “Children are a gift from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.” Samuel is our gift from God.
Samuel’s name is inspired by Hannah’s prayer for her son in the book of 1 Samuel. We announced our pregnancy a few months back with 1 Samuel 1:27 “For this child I prayed, and the Lord granted me my petition that I made to him.” Our Samuel was an answered prayer. At that time, we didn’t realize just how quickly that the next verse 28 would become a physical reality, “therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.” We had a hard time giving Samuel up on Tuesday, and then laying him to rest this morning, and probably will for a long time….until we are reunited in heaven.
Because we knew Sam’s life was going to be short and his death date was drawing near, Lauren knew so much more about him because she paid closer attention. Sam liked ice cream and pumpkin pie, the hours of 8-10am was his exercise time. He loved sitting in Lauren’s Bible study chair and was always more active in that chair. Lauren laying on her left side was more calming to him. He loved Jacey’s voice, and would always respond to her when she talked to him. Jacey and Micah would faithfully pray for their brother every night and we prayed together more as a family.
Not only did we pay closer attention to Sam, we paid closer attention to what God was doing in our life. When death was imminent, it increased our sense of urgency. We realized that we should live with more urgency every day because none of us know when our time will come. We aren’t promised tomorrow. We have been more aware of our need for Jesus and desire to share Him with others. We’ve had more spiritual conversations because of Sam. We’ve been more prepared to give an account for the hope that we have (1 Peter 3:15), and tried to follow Jesus more closely in our daily walk and live out the faith that we say we have (James 2:14).
We never wavered from praying for the miraculous, because we know God has the power to raise people from the dead (John 5:21-22). But we also prayed that if physical healing wasn’t God’s will for Sam’s life then we hoped that his life would have maximum impact for the Kingdom in the short time he was with us. We wanted to live more transparently and share our story and be authentic with what we were experiencing. I’m naturally more reserved, and standing up here is completely out of my comfort zone. But I believe when God gives us stories, and puts it on our hearts to share, it’s our responsibility to do so (James 4:17). We are all drawn to redemption stories.
Lauren retained way more fluid with this pregnancy. At our 32 week appointment, she was measuring 41 weeks. We figured it wouldn’t be much longer. We did want to get through Thanksgiving first as a family, and God did answer that prayer. Lauren went into labor Sunday night 11/25, she “labored down” through the night. Sam’s heart rate slowly dropped from 158 down to about 85, before the Lord took him about 5:30am on Monday morning. Lauren delivered Samuel at 8:16am on 11/26/18.
God’s Word has been a lifeline for us. Looking back over the past three years, I know God has been preparing Lauren and I for this time. He has stirred our affections for Him in our daily pursuit (Psalm 37:4), and God’s Word has spoken life into us and prepared us for this trial. We’re devastated no doubt, but we find our hope in the person of Jesus who we meet all throughout the pages of this book. 1 Peter 1:3-7 captures our hope in not just Sam’s story, but this is true for each of us right now. I’d like to read it for us because this has been our foundation in all aspects of our life.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” According to his great mercy he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith — more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire — may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”
I am confident that Sam has been born again to an imperishable inheritance in heaven that God is guarding by his power. I don’t think we can fully grasp what this means as finite human beings…it is an incredible picture of what awaits the follower of Jesus. I am confident I’m going to see Sam again for eternity. And that’s all made possible by faith in Jesus Christ. Armed with this understanding of the gospel, I can’t keep silent (Mark 13:11) about the incredible grace God has given us (Ephesians 2:8-9), and it’s why we worship and praise and sing…with joy…especially in our trials (James 1:2-4). Because in view of eternity, this affliction is just light and momentary (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). It doesn’t feel like it is in the moment, but that’s because we don’t live in eternity yet.
We have experienced joy and blessing. Each of you coming here today, your countless prayers on our behalf, people telling us how sharing our story has encouraged them….we are truly humbled by the work God is doing through this. These are all tremendous blessings to us. The joy that we’ve experienced watching our children interact with their brother in Lauren’s tummy and laugh and giggle at all of his kicks, has provided us with great joy. We wouldn’t trade that for an “easier road.” Lauren said on Monday night while holding our Sam…”you were worth it.” And that’s what Jesus says to each of us (John 3:16-17). Each of you…you were worth it.
Sam was far more active in the womb than either of Micah or Jacey….this alone was a blessing and mercy from God. Given his condition, we marvel at how that was even possible. We didn’t know if he could control his movements, or hear our voice…but it sure seemed like his movements were timely in response to our promptings. That was a blessing.
Micah wanted me to share that as a family, we’ve really enjoyed the avocado symbol that Samuel inherited from our Fall Fest costumes. It’s silly, but every time we see avocados now, we think of Sam. Lauren and I were the two halves of an avocado, and Sam was the avocado pit. It made sense, he was in the “pits”. We’ve gotten avocado gifts, avocado Christmas ornaments, avocado text emojis and other avocado references sent to us, and it makes us smile. The kids love it…and so do we. We liked guacamole before Sam….and now it will always have an extra added meaning and enjoyment.
The lyrics to Though You Slay Me, the first song we’re about to sing are a combination of verses from the story of Job.
Job 13:15 says “though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.” I think most of us have had these feelings before…sometimes it feels like God is against us and is slaying us. But before Job ever makes this lament he says “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job made the decision to praise God even before he started wrestling with God.
We found comfort in this because God allows us to argue with him and question his ways. Lamenting and wrestling with God in our trials is a good and necessary thing to help us understand God’s heart and process through pain. But we know we can’t stay in this state of argument. Because by the end of the book of Job, God reveals himself and how his ways are better than Job’s. God tells him that it’s impossible for us to understand all the details. And then in chapter 42, Job realizes his error and says, “Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.” And then Job repents and reverses his thought process. This is my story! We simply don’t have all the answers, and we can’t understand it all. We kind of feel like a Job, and while we want to know why, not all answers are available to us now, and we have found comfort in God’s Word. Like Job, whatever comes our way, we want to glorify God.
As a husband and a father, I wanted so badly to fix Sam, I wanted to take Lauren’s physical and emotional pain away, I wanted to comfort my kids and make it okay. I wanted to dry their tears and remove their hurt. But I am powerless in this area (Luke 18:27). Only God is mighty enough to save (Zephaniah 3:17). So we pray to Him who is able to do all things. As Pastor Bob has said, when you can’t trace his hand, you can trust his heart. We know God’s heart is good, and we trust that eternal good will come from this trial….in God’s timing (Micah 7:7, Habakkuk 2:3)).
To my amazing wife, Lauren. You are a tremendous inspiration to me and others. To watch you selflessly sacrifice your body and subject yourself to such discomfort and enter into the physical and emotional pain to deliver Samuel into our family….I will forever thank you for the gift you’ve given us…..I’m so proud of you. You’re a living witness to the sacrificial love that Jesus is for each of us…and I have learned from you. For better or worse, in sickness and in health…Lauren, I love you!
It has helped immensely to sing eternal truths and remind ourselves of our position in Christ (1 John 4:15) as we face each day. It is from this foundation in which we are able to find the strength (2 Corinthians 12:9-11) to make it through the valleys in life. We’ve selected a few songs which have been influential in our lives and great reminders of Christ’s love for us, even in the face of death (1 John 3:16).
To our family, friends, our church family, acquaintances, co-workers and even strangers, THANK YOU all for being faithful prayer warriors for us. We are overwhelmed by the outpouring of love you’ve shown us. I’d like to pray for us now.
Father God, would you meet us here in this place? Please give us strength and peace to face the days and weeks to come. Would you comfort us all who are hurting from the various trials that we are facing in this room. Would you use Samuel’s life and death as a picture that points to the life, death and resurrection of your Son Jesus as a sacrifice and payment for all sins, once for all. Help us to see Jesus as our living hope and place our trust in Him. Would you open our hearts and use today to draw us deeper into relationship with you. Please use this time of worship and your Word to direct our hearts to Jesus. Holy Spirit come and do a redeeming work in each of us. Thank you for Sam’s life, and may it be a blessing to many. We know our son Samuel isn’t coming back to us here in this life, so help us turn to the One who can take us to him….we look to the Son who is coming back to one day reunite all believers perfectly redeemed for eternity. We celebrate this amazing truth now, and we worship you in song. We pray this all in your beautiful Son Jesus’ name. Amen.
Songs:
Though You Slay Me – Shane and Shane
Sovereign Over Us – Aaron Keyes
In Christ Alone – Shane and Shane, Hymns Live version
Living Hope – Phil Wickham
Yes I Will – Vertical Worship